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Unthinkable for you moms out there how can a mom lose custody of her child child ive got an expert here to discuss that with me today. Its time. We took this one on sid yeah.
It is that youll remember perhaps from other videos. Sid unrau. Whos licensed attorney here in the state of utah.
And also a certified live on purpose coach absolutely. Which is why we like to have conversations a lot yes with the experience that weve both had in child custody cases sid. Youve noticed some things that are risky especially when it comes to todays topic how can a mother moves custody of her child tell us where youre coming from on this sid because i know that youve had some recent experiences that have taught you the 4 points.
That were going to share in just a minute. Yeah. I had a recent experience.
I have a client whos a man who wanted custody from his ex wife and at first. I thought this is going to be pretty impossible usually. The court isnt going to go.
There. The court is going to say well lets see if we can rehabilitate mom lets see if we can just fix things. And its mostly an enforcement issue not to change custody issue because changing custody.
Frankly is dramatic on the child its traumatic right and its it can be very difficult and the transition from one household to the other can just be horrid. But the reasons that custody gets changed all came out and i just want to mention. I realized as i was preparing for this and looking at this case that i just recently had that id had one about 20 years ago.
Something like that where a mother lost custody and she was my client and i was doing everything i could to help her keep custody and i realized that she had done exactly what this mother that we just beat in court had done and thats why former client lost custody and thats why my new client. The man won custody for my mother im not trying to say that i think mothers are better than fathers as far as raising children are concerned. But once the children are sad.
Its usually in the best interest of the children to keep them where they are because its so traumatic to change. Well thats the trender. The what we would expect to see yeah basically in the courts.
And i used to do child custody evaluations for the court. Ive seen this from the psychological side and so im curious to see what these 4 points are that you came up with because you said that theyre consistent in both of these cases. Yeah and let me start out by just saying.
This is sort of a point zero of the 4. Its best. If parents can just get along and co parent or even they cant co parent.
If they can parallel parent. So that they arent infringing on each others rights that theyre supporting each other that theyre not putting the child in the middle of those kinds of things it seems so simple. Thats what we do when were married right we deal with our children and we dont always agree on everything.
But we overall agree and our children have some kind of healthy opportunity to thrive. Im glad you mentioned that sid because weve done some other videos here on the channel. You can go look them up in fact.
Theres one that you and i did about winning child custody cases. Its something along those lines. But theres a link right up there in that corner of the video cue that up to watch next.
And then youll see some others in our custody playlist here on the channel. So you can go cruise around there. And we did one on co parenting.
Too right so those resources are there for you tell us what youve learned about how a mother can can lose custody. Well the first thing that just sticks. Out is that the mother is hyper focused on the father instead of being focused on her own needs on her own behavior.
Shes focused on the fathers behavior. And she absolutely exaggerated. Whats bad about dad and actually exaggerate whats good about her and thats just really horrible.
And this sort of bleeds into another point kids pick up on this they arent neutral in this the kids can tell when mom hates dad and the kids can tell when dad hates mom. The kids can also tell when moms trying to get along with dad so focusing on dad and focusing on the negative and this bleeds over and it gets back to dad. And if dad had no idea that things were bad then i would have not been get into this case right so thats what happens so in this particular case.
It was actually so extreme mom called dcfs on my guy. I think.
7 or 8 times. And it was actually the eighth time dcfs said hey. Theres something weird here so they actually started going after mom.
Which was helpful. But well the point is though that if mom keeps focusing on dad. So much and she cant see her own faults.
Then thats a problem right. Now sid. You could tell that it was exaggerated.
Oh yeah. I can tell that its exaggerated. The judge can tell that its exaggerated this does not bode well for someone to have such an inflated and negative opinion of the other parent and can i just add also as a child custody evaluator.
This is something that i looked for a lot those children are going to struggle more if there are strong negative opinions held by either parent about the other parent right exactly and so youre saying this factor. That has been consistent in the cases. Youve seen is an over or a hyper focus on the other parent.
And it tends to be negative. Right. And this sort of leads to another point.
This is about feedback in general it took me a while to get this. But i was in a training one time when someone said someone called me a jerk and i had to think about it im a jerk and i thought yeah you know i can buy that im a jerk now and then our trainer in that point said. You know if i hear that im a jerk from one person well whatever.
But if i keep hearing it from different people including people. I just barely met well maybe. Theres something to it and i should look inside what happened with both my client.
The old client that we lost custody with and this new client where i win custody from a mother the court had told this mother over and over again you need to improve theres something wrong. She did not buy that feedback the caseworkers her friend because she was so focused on the other parent. So focused on my guy so the point number 2 is the mothers can this custody by not noticing and not accepting that theyre not perfect and we can all improve by listening to our feedback and seeing where we can improve if the mother had just listened to the court.
The first 6 or 7 times. We were at court maybe my client wouldnt have won custody from her so shed been humble enough to be open to the feedback about the improvements that she needed to make personally right that would have been far more productive than focusing on all of the perceived flaws of her ex husband and i dont like to exaggerate. But i would say a million times more protective a million if she had simply if she had simply taken the advice and stopped calling out father every time she could stop assuming that every time.
There was a bruise or something that dad must have beaten the child every time. The daughter had trouble going to the bathroom. Oh no dad must have molested her.
I mean really. Its just i mean you and i both had kids things happen. We dont automatically think oh somebody did something to my child.
Thats why this happened can i just reiterate also we talked earlier about how you notice it i notice that the judge notices that if its an exaggeration and that gets categorized in a place in the judges. Mind that you dont want to be in oh yeah. This irritates and annoys judges.
Absolutely have you noticed this yes and social workers and anybody else involved and probably custody evaluators. Oh. Yeah.
So it does not bode well for you. Anyway. I think weve made that point probably strongly enough whats number 3.
So the third point and this is sort of it slides right in here. Dont use the children as pawns whether its one child or multiple children the child starts. Becoming a communicator and there are 2 ways that this happens.
One is directly well talked to your dad you have to ask your dad about that instead of doing the adult thing and having the parents talk about things like visitation arrangements or exactly pick up and drop off in exactly times. And things like that we have to let the children be children and not be the communicators. But the other thing.
The other way that theyre used as pawns is completely accidentally and that is i dont know if you would agree that this is a pawn thing. But this is how i sort of characterize it kids try to accommodate the feelings of the parent in other words. If a child hears nothing except bad about dad then when they come to dads house either theyre trying to buy into that and make it worse and ive seen that happen in several cases or theyre trying to defend and so in that way theyre unwilling messengers or inadvertent messengers and either way theyre pawns from my perspective.
Theyre unfortunately in the position where they become the mediators the mitigators they try to fix things and thats just really sad kids should be allowed to be kids. And its different when there are little bitty kids.
Its one way and when theyre adult kids they start getting into the argument. Which also shouldnt be the case and that can really ruin a case for a mother. If the judge never finds out how the child feels and the judge could detect hey this child is getting this for mom yes.
Thats a real problem sid. This can range from the more subtle versions of that like what youve just pointed out through very overt. Very intentional alienation of the other parent and thats even more destructive.
But i think even the subtle forms like you said are going to put that child in an awkward position and they will feel a need to protect and champion their parent and often they feel a need to do that with the parent. They feel is more vulnerable. Yeah.
Exactly less stable perhaps again not a category you want to find yourself in no. And i think kids want to fix things and well. I think we all want to fix things that we see that we can the kids want to fix things when mom says negative things about dad or about a situation and the kid knows thats not exactly right and the child gets in the middle.
One way or the other either by confronting mom or by trying to help dad out its just sad you know what if youre still. Watching the video. Some people turn us off by now oh yeah.
Because they dont want to hear this. Were not going to lie to you were coming from decades of clinical and legal experience in the child custody area. Please consider what were saying here youre going to feel pulled into some dynamics that are not healthy for your kids.
And thats where im coming from as a psychologist sid something ive appreciated about you as an attorney that you keep those kids interest in mind too absolutely. Where some attorneys that ive worked with theyre just out to win the battle just a little comment about that one time as i was going into court to argue. It was a temporary custody issue.
My client said where should we sit. And i said oh the good guys sit on this side and implying you know the bad guys sit on that side. The commissioner was on the bench.
And he said mr. Unrau in my court. The kids are the good guys yeah.
Thats true that schooled me and got me to help focus now youve got one more point. That i think we ought to make before we wrap up so this is probably one of the more basic ones. But obey court orders this might seem like its just the same thing.
But it isnt people who just simply ignore a court order it just doesnt bode well with the court regardless of all the other things that you do right. If you just consistently disobey. The court orders or disregard them i have one client who is supposed to not get out of the car.
When her ex husband comes and visits. The children and theyre supposed to meet at a certain place not in the police station. I hate that but they meet at a certain place and the kids are just supposed to go the youngest one is 7.
So theres no reason that kids cant just get out of the car. Oh she always gets out of the car and says a couple things to dad and weve gone to court. 2 or 3 times.
Ive warned her this is not good if dad i mean dads videotaping. It this is not good. Thats necessarily completely correspond to any of the other things that we said.
Although it does you know that its in front of the children. But thats an disobedience of the court order. But other disobediences i mean other things that are more subtle.
Which is incidentally against the law right exactly the law is 2 ways. One is the legislature makes a line. The other way is the court orders and either way.
Its the law for you it is the law and for you to ignore that could lose your case for you right. And if everything else is going for you but you just want to bay. The court order you can lose custody.
I hope you got those 4 points. Thats going to make a huge difference as you move forward take it from a couple of old experts. These things are important to pay attention to theres other videos in child custody playlist here on the channel that will give you some additional information share these videos with others that you think would benefit as well.
See if we can do a better job with our kids hands down face lights down to the phone. .
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