ask amy: we don’t want to care about this baby until we learn who the father is This is a topic that many people are looking for. cfiva.org is a channel providing useful information about learning, life, digital marketing and online courses …. it will help you have an overview and solid multi-faceted knowledge . Today, cfiva.org would like to introduce to you How To Tell Kids Theyre DONOR CONCEIVED. Following along are instructions in the video below:
Youre a parent. Who has donor conceived children or is thinking about having donor donor conceived children. And you want to see the best way to tell your childrenre donor conceived.
Well. Im amy. Im.
A single mother by choice to four children. Conceived with donor sperm and i volunteer as tribute twinkle sound. Im not really sure that my method of teaching children about their donor conception needs a name but if it does lets call it the immersion method.
I started explaining donor conception to my children when i was still pregnant with them so lets go with a little reenactment mummy loves you so much and im so excited youre joining our family. Theres no daddy in our family. But you have a big brother chad who loves you and cant wait for you to be born i feel so lucky that my body makes healthy eggs that i can make babies.
With and have a healthy uterus to be your little nest until youre born i hope its comfy in there and you dont feel as squished and kicked as i feel right now. Im so lucky a kind donor gave. My doctor some of his sperm.
Because he wanted to help ladies like me to have babies like you then for the next. Few years. Our talk looked a little bit more like this im the luckiest mummy in the whole world to have you in my family.
We dont have a daddy in our family because i didnt find one that i like yet. But maybe one day. If i find a nice daddy well bring him home and join him to our family.
But honestly im not even trying to look for a daddy because im already living happily ever after with the most lovable children in the whole world. Im so lucky. I had a clever doctor and a kind donor who helped me to make you by the time they were old enough to learn the nitty grittys of how babies are really made the conversation looked a little bit more like this you know there are three things that are needed to make a baby you need an egg and a sperm and a uterus now.
I was really lucky because im one of most ladies who can make eggs in their tummies and i had lots of really juicy eggs and i was also really lucky. Because i have a place in my tummy called a uterus.
Which is like a little nest that grows babies. Until theyre ready to be born. But you cant hatch an egg in a uterus without a sperm and you can only get sperm from a man now we didnt have a man in our family.
But luckily there are some really kind men called donors who choose to give some of their spare sperm to doctors. Clinics and so the way that you were born was the doctor took some eggs out of my tummy and injected each one with a little sperm and then the ones that started to grow. The doctor put back into my tummy and then i got pregnant with you and then thats how you were born.
So having babies was a little bit hard for me. Because i needed the help of a doctor and a donor. But making babies is actually usually really easy for most people and i hope its gonna be really easy for you when you grow up because the way that people usually have babies is that a man and a woman insert your own birds and the bees discussion at this point.
Theres one more super. Important ingredient that helped my children to understand and to confidently describe how and why they were conceived and it was seeing me frequently talking to other people about our family structure. And how it was created so they heard me talking to people in shopping centers in changing rooms at playgroup just random people at random times in a really relaxed low key calm sort of way that didnt stand out in any way amongst any of our other chit chat about the weather or what our children liked or what stage of development that were at so my children have always known that they were donor conceived.
Long before they really understood what donor conception was and yes. I did word. It as my family origin story.
Because thats what it was and is so as they grow up they will take that and translate it into a version of their own family origin story. But you do really need to give children a starting point to help them to understand and by the time. My children were three they understood that it was completely normal for people to ask each other about their familys origin.
And for us to answer openly and honestly and by that time long before they started school. They also could really openly and confidently explain to anybody anywhere any time that they didnt have a daddy because we simply didnt find one that we liked yet they werent even slightly thrown by people who tried to say things like. But everybody has a father because they knew for sure that they had simply never had one.
But i have to sneak in the five second story about the time that they once found a man and dragged him before me. And said. We found one we like the poor guy had absolutely no idea what was going on and i had to explain to them that this daddy was already taken he already had his own family and so he couldnt be ours.
My children were mostly backed up by teachers and childcare workers who had sufficient competence to confirm that yes families come in lots of different shapes and sizes. But my kids are also trained to understand that some people are just ignorant and might need multiple explanations or just might not be able to understand because theyre just not quite smart enough but not to waste energy in trying to teach them just let it go.
But by the time my children were old enough to get challenged by children who had an idea of the birds and the bees and how babies are usually made they were also really quite confident explaining that actually they didnt have a dad had never had a dad and that they had been made differently. Because they didnt have a dad and that the reason they were born was because of kind donors and. That they had a donor and they i usually suggested that they not bother to try to enter the birds and the bees explanations and just leave that part to the other kids parents so that they would usually get to a certain point in the conversation.
And then say you really need to go home. And get your mum and dad to explain to you what a donor is my kids have no specific memory of any one conversation because it was more like a hundred or more conversations that happened from before they were born until now theyre still ongoing at 11 and 14 years of age. The vast majority of conversations that weve had over the years have been started by me because i wanted to ensure its always something that is on the tip of everybodys tongues.
If they want to bring it up that theyre comfortable to do so. But the net result actually is that they find the conversation a little bit boring. So when i do raise the subject.
Most of the time. Im just trying to sneak a little mention into just casual conversation. So for example.
I might reference. Oh. I wonder whether or not you mightve inherited that trait from your donor.
Because thats not a skill or gift or talent that i have the most important thing that my children have known forever is that donors are not a type of father i personally feel like phrases like donor dad are misleading and potentially harmful because theyre going to raise family based expectations in a child and i also dont think. Its very respectful to the donor and to their intentions. Ive never heard a couple whove had a donor conceived child.
Say to the child you have two dads. You have a donor dad and an at home dad. Its just not something that ever gets said and i suspect.
Its even more important for single mothers by choice not to confuse their children because they dont have a father or a dad and they literally never will have unless or until we get married and provide them with a stepdad or an adoptive dad. Obviously as my children have gotten older. Theyve come to understand that half of their genetics comes from their donor.
But although they have things in common with adoptees like not having access to information about half of their ancestry. I dont refer to having adopted sperm.
Because i think its more important that my children understand that they werent babies who were given up for adoption. The millions of sperm that my childrens donor. Gave to the clinic had no chance of life at all unless or until they were matched with a family like mine.
Who could provide the egg and the uterus and form the family. So it was the donors goal to give them a chance at having a life and a family. But he wont ever actually be part of their family.
The law changed after my elder twins were born. So my four children were amongst the last ever born in this state from anonymous donor sperm and im just trusting that soon laws will be retrospectively passed to ensure that children of anonymous sperm donors. Get the same identifying information.
As id release donors now receive. Its just common sense to me that children are entitled to information about their ancestry and entitled to make their own decisions about what they would or wouldnt like to do with that information. My children also know that their donor probably doesnt actually even know that they exist even if it had occurred to him to contact the clinic and ask for information at best.
The information. Given would have been the number of boys or girls born in any particular year. So he might not be able to understand anything about their existence.
As brothers and sisters and certainly hed have no meaningful knowledge about who they are my children have been lucky enough to have already met a couple of other children who are born of the same donor that they are genetically half siblings of and i really hope that theyll get an opportunity if they want it one day to meet their donor and i will be delighted to support whatever sort of connections that they make but in the meantime. Theyre not growing up with any sort of preset expectations one of the things that you should keep in mind. When youre explaining donor conception to your own children assuming that they are children is that will forget repeatedly things that youve told and explained.
Before and they will need reminders and they will need expansion and theyll all develop their own understanding at different rates in time my children and i have actually done quite a few videos about their understanding of donor conception. How they feel about being donor conceived. How it feels to be fatherless and one of the things thatll probably stand out to you in those is just how casual they are about the information that theyre discussing even as they forget details or get reminded of details or casually dismissively.
Say theyre really not interested in details one of my next videos over the next few weeks is going to be about how we can explain our family structure and donor conception to people outside of the family including how elementary teachers and daycare teachers can best present in their curriculum. How all families are really similar and yet. All really unique at the same time so i hope youll join me subscribe click.
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